Interrupting Shame's Game

This week's episode tackles Interrupting Shame's Game. It rises in that moment, that mishap, that misstep, that reaction, that deep hurt, that festering bruise, a season, a trial that causes us to lower our head - when judgment is triumphing in how we see and respond to ourselves and empathy struggles for space in that storyline. 

Shame can be quietly debilitating for anyone, but also for leaders and even wellbeing professionals. But it's also an opportunity, an invitation for each of us to pivot through the gateway of grace and compassion and to intervene in shame’s game, stopping it in its tracks and working to uproot it. 

Join professional Emotion & Positive Psychology coach Andrea Urquhart in this episode of Strengthen Live as she unmasks shame's game and shares how we can all learn to interrupt its activity in our inner story and leadership life.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Strengthen Live Podcast! I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart. This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers! If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives for the better, find home and belonging here.

It’s Episode 3 and today we’re talking about Interrupting Shame’s Game as we unmask our inner critic, notice some patterns about shame, and consider how we can interrupt and disrupt shame’s game. 

That old accuser, shame, likes to keep a closed lid on things, it doesn’t like being brought out into the light, so that’s our first takeaway about shame today: Safe spaces and relationships create environments where we can lift the lid on those inner accusations and also learn to defend ourselves from any shame that others may be slinging at us.

Let’s start, by unmasking our inner critic. Taking many forms and fuelled by the voices of those who have raised us and critiqued us, our inner critic is a censoring editor of the story and stories that we tell ourselves and live under. It likes to take its big red pen and scrawl accusations and negative evaluations all over our self-belief and self-talk. It makes its presence known, so we take notice of it. But today, as we explore shame, we’re reminding ourselves that just because its loud or piercing, that doesn’t mean that our inner critic has authority in our life – unless of course we allow it.

Now let’s be clear that when I talk about the stories we tell ourselves, these are stories that are part of our reality. They are threads and lenses through which we see ourselves and talk to ourselves. Built up over time, with many different influences, our inner stories frame how we live and interact in our day to day life and leadership. 

As the narrator, we have power over those stories. Power that develops our relationship with ourselves as individuals and as leaders. That inner critic can be strong and convincing, fragile and self-doubting, alert and questioning. It is not another personality inside of us, it is our mind flitting between being subjective (anchored in our emotions and the standpoint of our personal experiences) and objective (ideally, speaking with compassion for our emotions but also commenting from a bigger picture perspective). 

Some people call our inner critic our ego. Some of you faith leaders listening may have been brought up to believe it and act like it has no place in our Christian walk. But I beg to differ. Sometimes our inner critic is right. Right to question us. Right to remind us of something. Right to cause us to hold back and consider more deeply for a moment - or partly right, at least.

We’re created as emotional, rational and spiritual beings. Our inner critic is our understanding trying to make sense of what we are experiencing. Sometimes the most helpful thing is for us to backchat it, feeding wisdom and facts to that narrative that our mind and emotions are struggling with.

I know that some people like to name their inner critic or give it personality as well. Personally, I don’t find that helpful. I don’t see my inner critic that way. 

Just like there truly are missteps that we make in our lives causing us to feel shame and the need to right those missteps, so the voice of our conscience speaks to us and pulls us up, calling us out.  

For me, it’s more helpful to distinguish between shame generated by our conscience because of actions – that’s things we know we need to put right in some way -  and shame that’s hurled at us by our inner critic that accuses us at an identity level. 

Whether we’re victim, author of a misstep or a chapter in our story is simply a muddle of both, shame likes to put down roots. The remnants of our broken and bruised inner narratives entwine with those critical, identity level thoughts. Holding us down. Enchaining us within our own story. Hurling insults at our own character. 

Sometimes this is just a part of our story. Whilst the rest of our story is pulling forward, those bruised and hidden threads are waiting, longing even for amends to be made or to be able to walk in confidence without those stinging accusations holding us back everyday.

From the deeper things in our lives, to the everyday insults such as telling ourselves we’re too much of something, shame’s game is to make us feel small and behave small.

The longer we’re distracted from pivoting out of shame, the more we become entrenched. The more we listen to the criticism and accusation that build up within us, the higher the wall, the bigger the gap, the further we feel from being able to live without being weighed down with that sense of being a failure, of not being enough. 

When we are a victim and shame is thrust upon us, or our understanding is struggling, blaming us and telling us what has happened is our own fault, that invitation to pivot still stands boldly, gently. 

It’s empathy, compassion and safety that provide us with a place of  strength that enables us to work on restoring our inner narrative to one that strengthens us and gives us permission to learn to understand ourselves and our story in a way that enables us to grow and not be held back.

Why is this important for us as leaders and wellbeing professionals? Because we’re all human! We all have our own story and experiences. We also all go through new experiences in life and relationships. 

Shame and inner critic stingers can be a hidden issue waiting to erupt, or a debilitating issue that erodes confidence and makes leaders and people in prominent roles feel like imposters. Leaders are positioned for others to look up to or turn to, yet leaders can also become entrenched and stuck in a bruised and broken part of our story as well.

Shame is complex. Victimhood is complex. Leaders and business owners can also live with a victim mentality – especially when facing tricky times or contention. Our inner struggles can get messy. Our journeys are not straight forward. Our story is woven from many different threads- not all of them introduced into our story by us. 

So how can we respond to shame and our inner critic? Step up, lean in and reclaim your identity. Remember that you are the narrator of your inner story, so you can work on it. There is no shame as a leader or professional in seeking therapy. There is no shame in sharing your self-doubt and inner critic stingers with a trusted person, coach or mentor. 

I’m not saying this is easy. There are times when shame is so deeply rooted in us and when negative threads have firmly coloured parts of our inner narrative that it’s hard to lift our heads and let someone in. It is a journey.

Leaning in and reclaiming our identity is a daily habit. Working on understanding our character strengths and how they work, spending time with people and in communities who are “safe” relationships can help affirm us in this too. Forgiveness, self-compassion and self-awareness are all part of this journey of interrupting shame.

As we learn to walk free from shame, we learn to recognise and discern when that inner voice of our thoughts or consience is calling us to make amends or is throwing accusations, blame and shame on us.

The more we make a habit of backchatting our inner critic with the truth of our identity, and with compassion for ourselves, the quicker we pivot each time and the more our wisdom and understanding grows. 

We learn to handle shame and respond to our inner critic in ways that allow us to walk with greater freedom and a constructive sensitivity.  Easing the parts of our story that have become bruised and stuck within shame, out into the glorious light of walking free.

We also learn how to be safe people for others who have bruised or stuck parts of their stories. 

As we become more equipped to tackle shame in ourselves, so we begin to say "No!" to taking part of conversations that shame others. We become leaders who are not just empathetic, but who bring safety with us into relationships and conversations. Compassionate, boundaried and leaders who create an environment where others are affirmed because there is permission to be strengthened, to face down shame and to develop our confidence.

Shame really likes to disrupt our journey to confidence, so let’s talk about interrupting shame. Because shame likes to interrupt the stories we tell ourselves. About us, about others, about how others see us, and for those people of faith amongst us, even the stories we  believe about God and about how we feel he sees us. 

When we understand how shame interrupts our stories, we discover how to interrupt shame's story. 

So what is shame? It rises in that moment, that mishap, that misstep, that reaction, that deep hurt, that festering bruise, a season, a trial that causes us to lower our head - when judgment is triumphing in how we see and respond to ourselves and empathy struggles for space in that storyline. 

Shame is also an opportunity, an invitation for each of us to pivot through the gateway of grace and compassion and to intervene in shame’s game, stopping it in its track and working to uproot it. 

If we don’t interrupt shame, it makes its home in the offended and disappointed story that we grieve in when our heart is shaken and the story we tell ourselves whispers names like forgotten, not good enough, failing and broken to our mind, body, spirit and soul.

Shame’s story, unfettered, runs with a strategy of isolation, to make us think that we are the exception to goodness, to deserving love, to being loved and to being capable and enough. Shame’s story says that we don’t deserve, that we can’t have. Shame’s game plan is confusion. Enchaining, isolating and causing us to become stuck in the parts of our story it touches.

Mercy and compassion’s story on the other hand, unfettered, enchain shame.  They turn the tables on it. They take shame captive and pivots it, teaching us to walk free, to lift up our head and to learn to be kind to ourselves and kinder to others.

The longer shame isolates us and interrupts the stories we tell ourselves, the more isolated we feel, the more we struggle in ourselves and about ourselves. 

And when we don’t have those safe relationships – whether with a professional, peers or simply a trusted leader, friend or relative, the more we hide those parts of ourselves that are hurting, questioning and stumbling under the weight of shame’s sting. 

Pivoting from living under shame to breaking off those restraints requires us to lift our heads. Others can affirm us, but we have to begin to adopt new perspectives. To see ourselves differently, to speak to ourselves differently. To learn to love and accept ourselves, and also to learn about our innate character strengths and break the isolation and confusion that shame whispers to our hearts and minds.

As always, as I say, we can’t get away from doing the inner work. But when we do it, we absolutely reap the rewards!

If today’s episode has uncovered where shame is toying with your own confidence or relationship with your leadership or positioning as a professional, as usual, I invite you to consider working with a therapist, a professional coach like myself or talking with a trusted friend. Remember that shame likes to isolate and remain in the dark, festering and holding us back.

The light of a healthy and safe conversation is a great way to expose and root our specific areas of shame and self-accusation. It’s a beautiful way to lift our head. 

And please remember this: every single one of us experiences shame. It's part of our human experience. It’s what we do with it that makes the difference.

If you’d like to work on your inner leadership story and strategy, you can apply to work one-to-one with me by visiting my strengthenlive.com website where you’ll find an application form.

I also have a new Strengthen Mastermind group launching for leaders and wellbeing professionals wanting to grow in confidence, define their leadership in this season and create evergreen content that shares their insight to those they’re dedicated to supporting. I’m really excited to open invitations to this Mastermind!

On our theme of interrupting shame’s game, I invite you this week to become aware of how safe you are for others. Be the one who shuts down conversations that begin to shame others, and notice the difference between the voice of your own conscience and the accusation of those inner critic stingers.

I also have an online course specifically designed to teach you a powerful process to combat those inner critic stingers. You can find My Rebel Affirmation Creation Online Course at Strengthenlive.com too.   

Do click subscribe wherever you’re listening and I look forward to welcoming you next time when I’ll be talking with Wellbeing First Aid expert Kate O’Leary as my very first Strengthen Live guest.

Thank you so much for joining me!