AuDHD: Unapologetically Enough

If you struggle with the inner stories of feeling too much, not enough or both of those like a swinging pendulum, this episode is for you! Join Andrea Urquhart, certified Advanced AuDHD Coach, and discover how embracing your needs and your unique ways of being can help you truly live unapologetically - enough. Not too much, not too little; simply you.

Whilst many of us have historical or relational reasons why our inner story make us feel insecure in who we are, understanding how conformity has and continues to influences our inner story can help us practically embrace ourselves and to thrive as we do that. Ready to move forward? Listen in now.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Strengthen Live Podcast! I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart. This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers! If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives for the better, find home and belonging here!

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Today we're diving into something that touches a lot of us,

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especially those who are neurodivergent and even more so those with AuDHD,

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that's autism and ADHD combined.

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We're going to explore the feeling of being too much or not enough.

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Not in the typical surface level way of being loud or quiet,

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but in ways that go deeper,

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ways that speak to how we interact,

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how we communicate,

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how we feel,

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how we exist in the world,

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the human being that we are rather than the human doing.

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So let's take a breath and explore this together.

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Those words that so many of us have carried around like heavy luggage at one time

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or another,

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or perhaps you might feel that you've carried these around with you all your life.

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You're too much.

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You're too intense.

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You're too into that thing.

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You're too sensitive.

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Or on the flip side, you're too quiet.

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You're not putting yourself out there enough.

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You're not really engaging.

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You should speak up more.

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Do they sound familiar?

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Are they thoughts and inner stories you personally have about yourself or perhaps

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you're someone who thinks or has thought them about others?

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If we're honest, we all find some people too much for us at times.

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We all have opinions about how we feel others should behave and interact or how

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they might amend or develop their behaviour.

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And we have them about ourselves as well as those stories that surface within our

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thoughts,

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emotions,

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and our bodies.

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If you are neurodivergent, these messages often aren't just occasional.

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They can be constant, starting from childhood and following you well into adulthood.

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Last week's podcast guest,

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Tony Green,

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reminded us of the statistics that neurodivergent children are estimated to receive

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some 20,000 negative feedback and comments in school alone by the time that they

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are either 10 or 12.

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It depends on which research and which articles you are looking at.

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But what's important to remember is that's just an average of around three negative

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corrections or comments on any given school day.

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It doesn't include all the interactions at home with friends or out of school activities.

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So it is understandable,

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just as Tony said to us,

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that some of these labelling phrases become internalised over the years.

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Either as things we believe or that we battle with in amongst the contention that

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already goes on inside a person with very differing traits of both autism and ADHD

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is this struggle that labels some ways of being as too much and some as not enough

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all at the same time.

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Like a pendulum swing that's difficult to actually silence.

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so what is really at the core of these labels well conformity it's a bit of an

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old-fashioned word isn't it we don't hear it so much but it is something that i've

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been thinking about a lot over the last few weeks and talking about in different

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places and spaces the pressure

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to shape ourselves into an image that matches what we think we should be or what

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others expect us to be.

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It may sound,

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as I said,

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like that old-fashioned word in a world where it often seems like anything goes,

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but conformity is something that we all live with.

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And dare I say, we all struggle with in different ways, neurodivergent or not.

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It can have positive effects and negative ones, even toxic effects on us.

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Conformity is not just about outward expectations or about us stepping into line with others.

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It also includes the feelings we have about whether we do or don't conform,

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whether we fit in or whether we don't and how we feel about that.

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It's about choices, identity.

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who we are and how we are.

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And deep down,

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the idea of belonging at the very core of our human nature,

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our longing for pure,

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non-judgmental acceptance gets wrapped up in all of these choices about how we're

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living and our patterns of behavior.

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I think that one of the things that's so powerful about communities of

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neurodivergent people is that there so often is such radical acceptance of one

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another.

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And especially for people who are neurodivergent,

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there is that acceptance that everybody understands that each other is unique and

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there isn't a pressure to conform to being or behaving in a certain way.

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Let's zoom in on the idea of being too much often.

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That isn't about volume.

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It's about intensity of thoughts, emotions, passions, or communication style.

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And these differ for us all.

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Personally,

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I see an increasing amount of influencers on platforms like LinkedIn and Instagram

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who are very much leaning into this too much identity in a liberating high vibe way

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for many people.

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And I love seeing them embrace this.

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But I know that for me personally, it's not for me.

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Mine is a calmer, quieter, more understated type of intensity.

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And yet it can also be too much for some people.

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Put me in a high vibe environment for longer than an hour or so,

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and I'm already looking for the exit.

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But a calm and deeply interesting conference for a day will leave me wanting more.

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That's just me.

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And we're all unique.

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There's nothing right or wrong about anybody else's intensity.

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And although you may not feel that you fit into somebody else's high vibe or

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gentle,

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quiet vibe intensity doesn't mean to say that there is anything wrong with the way

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that they are.

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So what about you?

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What is too much for you?

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What never feels like it's enough for you?

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Thinking about those questions can help you understand what energizes and nourishes

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you and what depletes you.

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The whole concept of being too much means different things to different people.

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For many people, those high vibe events are energizing.

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But as I said,

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for me,

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if I were to attend,

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I would probably spend much of the time feeling like I don't fit in and wanting to

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engage individuals in deep conversations instead.

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And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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Whereas for those who do attend them and are energized and nourished by the high

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vibe,

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embrace yourself energy of a power event like that,

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they'll be thirsting for more and finding belonging.

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in that large group, big action and rousing speaker environment.

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The point is that no one's style or way of being is correct.

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We are all unique,

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looking for validation,

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looking for belonging and struggling with internalized concepts of what it means to

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conform.

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Intensity, as I said, can look very different for each of us.

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It could be the way your eyes light up when you talk about your special interest,

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whether it's astrophysics,

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mushroom foraging,

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some kind of indie game design or,

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well,

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14th century embroidery,

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if that's your thing.

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It might be your directness when communicating.

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That may be your intensity.

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Or how your brain links one thought to another in a way that feels like a floodgate opening.

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It might be your energy when you're in flow and your honesty when you're not.

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But here's the truth.

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None of this is too much.

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It's just different from what society often considers,

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well,

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neutral,

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could we say,

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or appropriate or neutral.

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socially acceptable and those standards they're actually not neutral at all they're

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built on norms and expectations shaped by decades if not centuries of conditioning

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for us all neurotypical and neurodivergent alike it's not just neurodivergent

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people who are navigating conforming neurotypical people are as well and how about

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the flip side of feeling too much being seen as not enough some neurodivergent

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people move quietly in the world

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They may not be loud or expressive.

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They might communicate softly or need time to process before responding.

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They might work behind the scenes,

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offering deep insight or support in ways that don't draw attention.

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They may not be people who overshare, and yet they're often told they don't.

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that they're not showing up, not contributing, not engaging enough.

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People seem to make it their mission to see them grow in,

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in quotes,

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confidence so that they are interacting in a more normal,

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in quotes,

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way.

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But what if their normal and their comfortable way of interacting is just a little

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bit more quietly and a little bit more intensely?

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What if they need more one-on-one conversations and they're actually really loyal,

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great friends,

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being measured by the wrong ruler,

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doesn't mean that you're coming up short so much of this feeling too much or too

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little traces back to that one thing conformity we all neurodivergent or

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neurotypical grow up absorbing those unspoken rules cultural scripts about what it

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means to be social professional romantic fun or successful and for those faith

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leaders who are listening

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how about those ideas of what it means to show up in church community are you

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accepting and expecting people to come as the individuals they are allowing some to

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be quieter than others and embracing those who do like the more high vibe

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environment these scripts are reinforced through media school family and even

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well-meaning friends and

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We model our behavior around them,

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not necessarily because they fit us,

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but because we believe we should.

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That's conformity.

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But here's the problem.

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When we're performing a version of ourselves to meet external expectations,

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we lose access to the version of ourselves that feels most alive.

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most sustainable and most free.

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This is where burnout gets a foot in the door.

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And we also don't understand our core needs because we've been so busy conforming.

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We've never felt we had permission to understand ourselves a different way and to

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make choices from those rather than defaulting to conforming to those cultural

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scripts.

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And that brings us to an important question.

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What if we challenge the expectations instead of constantly trying to live up to them?

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This isn't about rebelling against social norms or throwing out all external structure.

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It's more personal than that.

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It's deeper than that.

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It's about gently challenging the inner story,

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the internalized expectations of who we think we're supposed to be,

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because often that's where the real discomfort lives.

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That's where the shame takes root.

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That's where the sense of being a misfit starts to grow.

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When we focus on sifting through those internalized ideas,

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we open up the space to ask a different set of questions.

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The kind that start with, what if?

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This is really about reclaiming your style,

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your personal rhythms,

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and the freedom to explore doing things differently.

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Sometimes this is a big shift.

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Sometimes they're small shifts,

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things that have always been possible,

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but we've had these cultural scripts in our head that have made us think we need to

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keep on doing something in one particular way.

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And this also links very much to camouflaging behaviour.

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But more on that another episode.

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If you're not familiar with the phrase camouflaging,

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you are probably more familiar with the phrase masking.

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So masking is a type of camouflaging and there are different behaviours that we all

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do,

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neurodivergent and neurotypical,

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to help us fit in and appear to belong.

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And as I said, masking is one of them, but that whole set of behaviours is called camouflaging.

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And yes,

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Neurodivergent people are likely to use those more.

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Let's think about dating,

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for example,

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the typical script,

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maybe dinner in a popular restaurant,

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maybe a loud bar,

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maybe a concert or event,

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perhaps even a walk barefoot on the beach together.

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What if that kind of setting isn't your safe space?

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What if you communicate best side by side while walking through a park or while

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hiking or even just sending voice notes back and forth?

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And what if you hate the sensory feeling of sand between your toes and the sound of

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the surf sets you on edge?

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What if your idea of intimacy is co-regulating quietly in a room doing separate

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things together or maybe playing a sport together or against each other then being

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ready to chat more intimately later?

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You might have ideas in your head of what a date should look like.

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Ideas from the media, movies, other people's expectations.

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But a date should be something that you enjoy and feel safe on and that gives you

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and the other person the opportunity to connect.

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And here's the thing,

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just because other people might enjoy an activity,

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feel regulated doing it and feel able to connect with someone through it,

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it doesn't mean that you do.

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And that's okay.

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This is an example

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of not needing to conform to other people's ideas of how something should be.

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You have permission to explore what a perfect date for you would look like, for example.

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And a top tip is also to think about the time before and after that.

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What helps you be regulated and ready to enjoy something like a date or a big family event?

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What do you need to recharge and reboot afterwards?

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This could also be about rest, food, journaling, or what some people call

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Recovery time.

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Noticing how activities and spending time with people depletes or recharges you is

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really important.

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Here's another example.

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Consider catching up with friends.

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The classic let's grab coffee might sound great till you're sitting in a noisy

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cafe,

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trying to have a meaningful conversation over music,

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clinking dishes,

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and your own social battery is draining by the second as you're distracted by all

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the other people and action around.

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or sitting in the kitchen while kids are rushing in and out and playing loudly?

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What if you love that your child enjoys that parent and toddler group,

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but the whole noise,

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busyness and strangers saying hello to you and trying to connect with you is just

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too much for you?

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It's okay.

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It's okay to look for friends who are happy with one-on-one playdates or just your

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family and theirs or just your family and theirs rather than feeling too small at

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big events.

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It's okay.

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What if instead hanging out looked like patterns

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parallel play for adults,

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deep conversation in a cozy corner,

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going to the cinema or sharing a special interest together.

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This is especially so for women.

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If you love cycling or running and coffee shops set you on edge,

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reach out and ask who wants to run and cycle with you.

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You're not a

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failure.

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You're not too much.

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You're not too little.

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You're just you.

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Your socializing doesn't have to conform to cultural stories or expectations.

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Instead, it should work for you.

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You'll be happier,

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healthier and more regulated with a circle of relationships that actually nurture

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you and you show up in them much more regularly.

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to really enjoy and give to others that mutuality of relationship.

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There's no one size fits all when it comes to connection and there is no right way

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to be a person in this world.

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Whilst I'm fully aware that there are also relational histories and family patterns

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that play into the internalizing of feeling not enough or too much,

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And whilst I'm aware that often there is great benefit from therapeutic

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conversations about this,

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there is also a lot of freedom that can be found in discovering and owning who we

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really are and gradually transitioning out of conformity that squashes us into

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feeling too much or not enough.

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And as we do that, we discover the glorious permission giving inner peace

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of embracing who we were created to be,

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loving ourselves in our uniqueness and allowing ourselves to create patterns of

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being that truly empower us to say,

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it is well with my soul,

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my heart is full and I really like who I am.

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So whatever your takeaway from today is, know this, you are not too much.

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You are not not enough.

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You are you and your way of being, of communicating, of connecting matters.

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Challenge the expectations, both the outward ones and your inner acquired ones.

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Rewrite the scripts.

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Let yourself show up in the ways that make sense to your brain, your body, your heart.

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I'm not saying this is easy.

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And you may meet some outer resistance from those around you as you begin to shift on this.

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And also, yeah, compromise is important in relationships as well.

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But you may also be surprised and validated by the positive reactions of others as

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you take more ownership over how you choose when,

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where and how you are showing up in your interactions in your world.

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And if you want to be

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big and intense go big and loud and intense find those relationships those

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environments and those spaces and if you're quiet and calm and you much prefer time

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on your own or time one-to-one with people seek those relationships out

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because that version of you that's the one the world actually needs and the one

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you'll feel more at peace with this is where we come back to that old heavy story

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of being too much or not enough because once we start to understand and honour our

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needs

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not the ones we think we should have,

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but the ones we actually do have,

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that shaming story starts to lose its grip.

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You begin to see that you were never too intense.

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You were just deeply engaged, fully alive in what lights you up.

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You were never not enough.

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You were simply operating from a quieter rhythm,

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one that holds depth and richness in a different form.

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Learning to be at home with yourself,

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with all of your complexity,

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your patterns,

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your passions,

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your sensitivities is the foundation of this work.

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It's not about fixing yourself.

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It's about recognizing how you function best,

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the human being in real life,

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practical ways,

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how you show up in relationships,

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how you communicate,

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how you work and how you rest.

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And just as importantly,

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how much recharge time you need to keep showing up in ways that are sustainable and

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aligned with who you are.

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Some of us need solitude after a day of high output thinking.

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Some of us need movement or connection or creativity.

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There's no universal formula.

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But once you know, you can plan around it and you can trust yourself more.

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You can stop editing yourself so much and you can stop questioning your too much or

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not enough and start just being you.

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Thank you so much for joining me today.

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If you're new here to me and to Strengthen Live,

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know that I coach trailblazing women on their relationship with themselves and

(00:19:54):
their business as they grow their big vision into reality.

(00:19:58):
As an advanced AuDHD,

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Emotion and Positive Psychology specialist coach,

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I offer self-discovery coaching,

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AuDHD programs and personalized coaching packages to support you to thrive in those

(00:20:11):
areas of life that you want to untangle.

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Connect with me on LinkedIn if you're not already.

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You don't have to just click follow.

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You can send a connection message or email hello@ strengthenlive.com to book a

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no obligation discovery call with me.

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Go have a peek at strengthenlive.com to find out more if you'd like to.

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For now,

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though,

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as you go through the week,

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be someone who notices what works and doesn't work for you.

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Be gently curious about this.

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Remember, knowledge is power and you are wonderfully made for this wild and beautiful world!