Exposing Camouflage

Discover the dangers, discomfort and protective effect that camouflaging behaviours have on all of us - neurodivergent or not. Join certified Advanced AuDHD Coach, Andrea Urquhart, as the talks us through what camouflaging is and how it can mess with being comfortable in ourselves and our true identity.

As always, there are practical examples and a big dose of compassion and kindness! Ready? Hit play now.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Strengthen Live podcast!

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I'm your host, Andrea Urquhart.

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This is the place for trailblazing, empathetic leaders who are also recovering people pleasers.

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If you have a big heart and your passion is supporting others to change their lives

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for the better,

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find home and belonging here.

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Hello lovely people,

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as usual we're talking honestly,

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gently and with a good dose of humanity about the inner lives of neurodivergent

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people and all of us really.

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Today's topic might just feel very apt for many of us.

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We're going to explore some behaviours that,

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well,

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if we're honest,

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we all do at times,

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sometimes without even knowing it.

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And we've all engaged in them in one way or another over the course of our lives.

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Some of us, though, may have grown up doing these so deeply that they even feel part of us.

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And it can be quite a journey to unravel some of these behaviours.

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Our topic is camouflaging,

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the behaviours we do and develop to keep us safe and help us blend in.

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Now,

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you may well have seen the memes and clips of Brené Brown on social media pointing

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out that there is a difference between belonging and fitting in.

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In fact,

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behaviors that we do to ensure that we fit in can also be behaviors that mean we're

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abandoning our true selves.

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In the previous episode, I shared about the puzzle of conformity.

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And today we're talking about the behaviors that we adopt because we're trying to

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conform or to define our identity instead of really owning who we are.

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So you might have heard of masking,

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especially if you're autistic or ADHD or have friends or relatives who are

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neurodivergent.

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But camouflaging,

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this is a word I'm finding myself regularly explaining to other people at the

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moment.

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It's a word that doesn't always get the airtime it deserves, and yet it runs deep.

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So today we're going in gently, as I promised, compassionately.

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And of course,

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it wouldn't be the StrengthenLive podcast if we weren't doing a little myth busting

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along the way.

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So are you ready?

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Here goes.

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What is camouflaging?

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Camouflaging is the name we give to the whole package of behaviors that we use to

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blend in,

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hide the bits of us we think might not be accepted and to keep ourselves feeling

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safe.

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And let me be clear,

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camouflaging is not exactly the same as masking because masking is just one part of

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a group of behaviors that we call camouflaging.

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So masking is where we hide or suppress certain traits,

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but camouflaging is more like an entire social costume department and it includes

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masking.

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So as we said, hiding traits, compensating.

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So that's when we're learning and performing neurotypical behaviours.

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Or behaviors that we think are expected of us within the communities and groups and

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cultures that we grow up in or live our lives out in.

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And then we have assimilating.

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which is adjusting ourselves to belong in a space, even if it doesn't feel quite right inside.

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Now, most people only know about masking.

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Things like making forced eye contact or holding back a stim.

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But camouflaging and masking, for that matter, is way more than that.

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And the thing is, we all do this.

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whether we're neurotypical or neurodivergent.

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The difference though, is that for some of us, it's not just an occasional adjustment.

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It's something that we've been doing for many years in the majority of our social

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situations every day.

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of our lives a way of life that we've learned early on because quite simply it's

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helped us to survive and get by camouflaging is an umbrella term that describes a

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wide range of strategies individuals use to navigate social environments especially

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when they feel that they may not be accepted as they naturally are these strategies

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can include masking,

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but also what we call compensating,

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assimilating,

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and many other subtle behavioral adjustments.

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So camouflaging is not the same as masking.

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And I personally feel that it is quite important for us to recognize and understand

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these different types of behaviors.

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But if you're not good at jargon,

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That's okay.

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Don't worry about it.

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Just know that it's not just masking that we need to look out for.

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Masking refers specifically to hiding or suppressing our natural traits.

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For example,

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maybe suppressing stimming behaviors or forcing eye contact when you really don't

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want to.

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But camouflaging is much broader,

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and it can involve scripting conversations,

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mimicking others,

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using learned social behaviours,

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or even over-preparing for interactions.

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Unfortunately,

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because camouflaging isn't widely understood,

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many people,

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including professionals,

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assume that the only concern is masking.

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But there is a lot more going on beneath the surface,

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and these behaviours can be both exhausting and invisible.

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Understanding the full picture of camouflaging helps us move beyond simplistic

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ideas of fitting in and to start recognizing the incredible emotional and cognitive

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effort that goes unseen into trying to fit into the environments and relationships

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and cultures that we live in,

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that we show up in every day.

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So let's bring this to life with some typical real lifestyle specific examples,

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not the usual textbook ones.

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No offense to the textbooks, but we're going to go a little bit deeper today.

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We're really human beings after all, aren't we?

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So let me expand your thinking on masking first of all.

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So masking is hiding or suppressing natural traits.

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This is often what people think of first,

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but even here,

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there's a wide range of subtle personal strategies.

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And when we say the word strategies, sometimes people are using them quite intentionally.

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They think, oh yeah, that's what works for me in this situation.

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But often we're using them quite subconsciously because we've just learned to do

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these things in different situations.

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And certainly in the coaching space,

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many of the conversations that I have with these amazing women that I coach and

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have the privilege of spending time with are about recognizing what behaviors that

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they've learned or they have taken on as their coping strategies are actually

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covering up or how they're helping them to protect them.

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So yeah,

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with masking,

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there can be emotion suppression,

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feel a bit upset inside,

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but you're pretending to be fine.

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Stimming redirection.

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This is a really common one.

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So instead of openly stimming, someone might do another activity.

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Maybe they're twisting a ring under the table or clenching their toes inside their

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shoes or pretending to be doing something or

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putting their focus on a particular point in the room and these are ways that

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people self-regulate to keep themselves in an environment that they don't really

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want to be in anymore they don't feel comfortable in without actually being noticed

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and how about this one pretending not to notice sensory discomfort for example

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enduring scratchy clothing or fluorescent lighting in silence

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rather than drawing attention to the sensory overwhelm.

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And the thing about masking is there's so much going on underneath and it's just a

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big pushing down.

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We'll talk about that later.

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So here's some more day-to-day examples.

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Maybe you've had a rough day, but someone asks you how you are and the auto response comes out.

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Yep.

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Good.

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Thanks you.

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You've perfected the friendly smile that hides everything that's masking.

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Or maybe you feel overwhelmed in a noisy cafe,

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but instead of asking to leave,

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you pretend you're totally fine.

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Maybe you keep your eyes wide open and hold a polite smile on your face while your

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nervous system is quietly setting fire to itself.

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Again, that's masking.

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Small and sometimes big going along with it all, suppressing choices and behaviours.

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And sometimes we don't even think about doing them.

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We just instinctively mask.

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And at other times we can catch ourselves shifting into the choice of a masking behavior.

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So all of those examples show behaviors that are suppressing,

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covering over,

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or you could even say shrinking or making ourselves small.

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That's masking.

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So let's move on to compensating.

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And these are behaviors that replace or rehearse.

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So compensation involves learning ways to perform or mimic behaviors,

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even if they don't come naturally.

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So things like scripting conversations,

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memorizing social scripts jokes or phrases to appear more spontaneous in

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conversation or replaying past conversations to learn what worked maybe you're

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somebody who hears somebody else use a phrase in a certain situation and it really

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landed well for them so you learn that phrase and you try it out yourself maybe

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with great success maybe not

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Or how about studying facial expressions?

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So this is learning what specific facial expressions mean and practicing them in a

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mirror to use them correctly in real time.

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And especially with children,

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this is a piece of work that is often done with them to help them recognize other

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people's emotions and to help them with their communication and

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Maybe you're an adult who has had some very direct interaction and intervention

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from the adults in your life as you were growing up or other people who make a

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comment about your facial expressions.

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So you're quite conscious of learning how you come across and trying to amend how

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you present yourself.

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so that you fit in in that way another way of compensating is mirroring others

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posture or language watching how they speak or gesture and imitating them to avoid

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standing out and researching social norms in advance so before going to a party or

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event looking up what to wear what topics are acceptable or what jokes people might

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make and likely feeling nervous about these and anxious to get it right

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at the event and how about this as an example you've got a big meeting so you've

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already planned small talk written out your opening lines and rehearsed your

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professional voice the one that sounds just a bit more polished like you've

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swallowed a linkedin post you're compensating taking on a different way of being

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that isn't you at all because you feel that's more acceptable and expected

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Back again to that conforming conversation we had in last week's episode.

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So this is really common when anyone is finding their feet or confidence in

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something they're new to,

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but it's not authentic.

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And yes, it's not just neurodivergent people who do this in new situations.

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It's very much about performance.

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And here's another one.

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You've learned to mimic humour or facial expressions.

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Oh yes, this is where I laugh.

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Ha ha.

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Even though the joke made absolutely no sense to you.

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And you just feel that it's easier to go along with laughing than to explain why

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you don't find it funny or cope with the emotions of feeling like the odd one out

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who doesn't find it funny.

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That's compensating too.

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Rather than be the only one who doesn't laugh,

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you remove your difference or your non-response from being noticed by simply

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laughing it off.

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It's a compensating performance.

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And how about this one?

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You're on Zoom and you're nodding a bit more than you need to just to show you're

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engaged when actually you're trying to remember what the conversation is even

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about.

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This is compensating too.

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You're engaging with others through the nodding,

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but it's just a performance that means you don't stand out and to ensure people

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don't realize that your focus has left that conversation.

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So how about assimilation?

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This is our third camouflaging category and it's all about adapting to belong.

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Assimilation is less about hiding and more about adopting behaviours to blend into a group

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often at the expense of authenticity.

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Adopting interests that don't resonate,

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pretending to like certain music,

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sports or hobbies just to have something in common with peers,

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withholding opinions,

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avoiding disagreement to seem agreeable or easygoing,

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even when you have strong thoughts or values,

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using humour as a shield and

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actually becoming the funny one to steer conversations,

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avoid your vulnerability or to distract others or to distract yourself from feeling

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different.

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And code switching,

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that's adjusting your language,

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your accent,

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or even the slang that you're using,

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depending on who you're with.

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Often it's an automatic way of trying to fit multiple environments.

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Maybe you pretend to like the office banter even though it makes your skin crawl.

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Perhaps you laugh,

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join in and later go home and replay every moment wondering if you said something

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wrong.

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This is more than the performance of compensation.

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It's taking on cultural behaviours and adopting them as your own even though they

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don't feel authentic to you.

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Assimilation is potentially the trickiest one of these camouflaging behaviours to deal with

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and can have some nasty burnout effects on us because we're pushing ourselves to be

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someone who we aren't.

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And it can also have a debilitating effect on our personal self-esteem and self-worth.

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When we're doing this deeply all the time, we feel at odds with our identity.

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This is why strong cultures in organizations, families, friendship groups, and workplaces

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can be a tricky place for anyone who struggles with people-pleasing in any way to navigate.

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If a culture is very prescriptive about behavioral expectations,

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anyone,

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neurodivergent or not,

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can lose their sense of personal identity as they lean into these assimilation

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behaviors.

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With assimilation, we're not just performing.

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We're picking, trying an identity on for size that is not tailor-made for us.

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And that, my friend, is a heavy behavior to live with.

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It pushes down who we are and squashes the life and joy out of us.

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Here's another example of assimilation because it's seen in some very everyday things.

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You start listening to music you don't like,

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wearing clothes that don't suit you and feigning interest in things like pub

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quizzes or football because that's what the group is doing.

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Think about teenagers when they're finding their feet in a crowd of friends.

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Are they blending in or can they really be themselves?

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Another way assimilation can catch us is if you carefully hide your true passions,

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like your deep fascination with train stations or the mating habits of frogs,

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because you've learned that too much enthusiasm can get you weird looks,

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which takes us back to that too much and not enough story again.

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So many behavioral and identity level traits,

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attitudes,

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and thought processes are all interlinked.

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And this is the same for neurotypical and neurodivergent people alike.

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Now these camouflaging behaviors are incredibly smart.

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They're sophisticated even in places.

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They're ways that we've kept ourselves safe,

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included and frankly afloat in a world that wasn't exactly built with us in mind.

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But what about when it starts to cost us?

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Because here's the catch.

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What starts off as protective can over time become, well, actually quite dangerous for us.

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us.

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We often don't realize it's happening because camouflaging has always worked and served us.

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It's how we've kept jobs,

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maintained friendships,

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maybe even maintained a marriage or a really deep personal relationship,

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avoided being targeted or made it through school.

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It can feel like our only or safer option because it's the more familiar to us now.

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and how we've avoided rocking other people's boats.

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But inside, there's a growing gap between the self we show and the self we are.

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And sometimes that gap feels like a loss of knowing ourselves,

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feeling adrift,

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or feeling like a misfit.

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It can be really isolating if you don't know other people who ever talk about this.

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If you don't know that it's normal to feel adrift and question yourself if you're

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flitting between behaviors that actually camouflage who you are.

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The grief that we talked about with Tony Green a couple of episodes ago is very

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real for people who are unraveling camouflaging behaviors.

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But remember too what Tony said about getting to that point where you feel good

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about yourself again.

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Rediscovery or finding who you truly are underneath decades of camouflaging is

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actually a beautiful permission and inner peace giving process.

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Let's pop back to assimilation.

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Over time,

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holding that camouflaging version of ourselves in place gets heavier,

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more draining,

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and the spark starts to fade.

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And that's when we can quite easily slip into burnout,

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not just tiredness,

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but a kind of complete depletion.

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It's because we've been forcing ourselves into a way of life,

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a way of relating and behaving that we've also probably been frustrated with

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ourselves about as well.

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And we can find ourselves

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in that burnout.

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Suddenly, everyday tasks feel monumental.

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We lose interest in the things we love.

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We feel detached, numb, irritable, or like we're walking through fog.

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Our executive functioning collapses.

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Even replying to simple things like texts feel impossible and navigating relationships.

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Well, that can be really tricky when we're burnt out.

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And you know the worst part?

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We often blame ourselves.

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Those self-accusations, those inner critic stingers.

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Why can't I keep up?

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Why am I like this?

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Oh, I was doing so well before.

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But were we doing well?

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Well, maybe not.

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Maybe we were just camouflaging beautifully.

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And when you're constantly bending yourself to fit into the world or the culture

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and communities that you're part of,

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something eventually has to give.

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So let's keep going deeper, shall we?

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Let's talk about something that really is a sensitive part of all of us.

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The deep need for belonging.

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Because underneath all this camouflaging, there's a very human truth.

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We all want to belong.

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Belonging isn't about fitting in.

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Fitting in means changing yourself to be accepted.

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But true belonging, that's when you're accepted as you are, not edited, not filtered, just you.

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And true belonging, my friend, starts with us accepting ourselves.

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And for many of us,

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especially those who are neurodivergent,

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we've spent our lives chasing belonging.

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but settling for fitting in,

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being liked,

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but not quite understood,

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being tolerated,

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but not truly seen.

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And it's exhausting and lonely, even in a room full of people.

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The irony is we are wired for connection, every one of us.

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But when we're constantly camouflaging,

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we don't get the chance to experience real,

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honest connection because no one's connecting with us,

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just with the version we've carefully constructed.

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And that's where healing begins.

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When we start to believe that maybe,

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just maybe,

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we don't have to earn our place by being less of ourselves.

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I'm going to say that again.

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That's where healing begins.

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When we start to believe that maybe,

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just maybe,

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we don't have to earn our place by being less of ourselves.

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So what now?

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If all this sounds familiar,

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if you're thinking,

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oh no,

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that's me,

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I promise you,

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you're not alone.

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This is where support can make a world of difference.

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Working with a coach, a therapist or a mentor who gets neurodivergence can help you.

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Spot your own camouflaging behaviours.

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Understand why they developed and how they serve you.

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So be compassionate with yourself about this.

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Learn to recognize when they're protective and when they're doing harm.

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So we don't have to throw all these behaviors out the window.

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Some of them are actually helpful for us in certain situations.

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And begin experimenting with safe ways for you to drop your mask or adjust your behaviors.

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Even just a little.

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So working with a specialist can also help you think about the environments that

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you're in in your life,

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the relationships,

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workplaces,

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cultures,

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communities,

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actually thinking about ones where true belonging is possible.

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Because those environments you tried to fit into so that you would be tolerated

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suddenly become places and people that you don't want to tolerate anymore.

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They're not authentic for you.

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Instead,

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you look for places and people where you don't have to spend energy pretending and

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where your needs are not just respected but welcomed.

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If you're working through any of these identity and behavior issues,

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I really want you to know this.

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You're not the problem and you don't need fixing.

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This is about discovery and self-permission giving.

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It's about acceptance and honoring your needs and allowing yourself to bloom.

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You are not the problem.

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The camouflaging is and you can dismantle the bits of that that you want to.

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Camouflaging is actually very clever.

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It's layered.

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It's often unconscious, as we've said.

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And the key point here is that camouflaging is not always obvious or dramatic.

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Often it's tiny,

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constant adjustments,

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pausing before responding to check your facial expression,

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calculating the right response,

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or even choosing when to ask a question based on whether it will make you look too

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keen or too quiet.

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These behaviors are often automatic.

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So formed early in life without conscious thought,

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exhausting,

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requiring enormous mental and emotional energy,

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and invisible,

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misunderstood by friends,

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colleagues,

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or professionals.

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And importantly, they're not always bad.

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Sometimes they are protective, strategic, or even empowering.

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The issue arises when they're used constantly at the cost of our mental health or our identity.

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It's not wrong or shameful.

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It's a powerful response to a world that hasn't always made room for difference.

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So let's say it again.

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You are not the problem and you never were.

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So the work isn't about unmasking all the time or dropping every camouflaging behaviour.

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It's about choice,

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awareness or a huge dose of self-compassion and kindness towards yourself and

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slowly,

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gently finding places and people where your whole self is safe to be seen again.

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You deserve that.

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We all do.

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Thanks so much for joining me today.

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As always, be gentle with yourself.

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Do get in touch to explore one-to-one coaching with me.

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And why not share this episode with a friend?

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Join me again next time.

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We're going to be talking more on reclaiming your identity and power and knowing

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and accepting ourselves just as we are.

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Can't wait!

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Have a great week!